It's an old body, but it's a new year.

It's only the third day into 2011 and it has been very full already:

• We rang it in with brothers and sisters, worshiping Jesus. One of the best sets I can remember in ages. (Then I moonwalked and did the Cha-cha Slide in the basement with the young folk, naturally.)
• Prayed and cried and prayed and cried until the Lord relieved a friend of her suffering and took her home to Himself last night. Now rejoicing with her and lifting up her family as they undertake a new year and a new life w/o her godly and ambitious presence.
• Started a picture-a-day blog. (And it better not be as time-consuming as the set up and html manipulations. "I want GREEN text. That's white. I want GREEN! No! I. WANT. GREEN.")
• Sent my favorite daughter and 3 months worth of food back this AM to live in a cabin in the mountains w/o electricity or phone, but with great people and an awesome God.

I am so glad I wrote that down. I don't feel nearly so guilty for being tired now. :)

Should I 'update' the mono thing? Blech...briefly in case anyone is interested. Feel free to skip to the end.

I am where I am. It is not where I used to be. I am finding some upsides; the downside is simple: I cannot do as much as I used to, nor as well and I think fewer 'thinks'. The interesting part is that this downside IS ALSO THE UPSIDE and I am dialing back my life's accelerator of 45+ years from 'Breakneck Speed' to 'Steady as She Goes' and trying to learn to like it. I am reading books again, that's nice. My quiet times are more consistent. And I am making some small progress in my home that has needed my attention for a very long time. I am resting more. I am more calm (says my husband). Sometimes 'calm' feels almost like 'dulled' or 'deadened' and I have to remind myself that "PEACEFUL IS GOOD". It's all about word choice, you know. ;)

Physically I am not comfortable, but hope to make some progress there as well. I am very, very heavy and, not surprisingly, achy. My immune system must be low b/c I'm having arthritis issues that have been quiet for over 6 years. And the main cognitive leftover is rather fascinating: a strange phenomena where my first conscious thought each day is a song playing in my head! That's right, words and everything! It's kind of funny--something to look forward to each morning! I should keep a notepad by my bed and write them down, b/c I usually forget them by midmorning. January 1 was noteworthy though: Give Me Your Eyes by Brandon Heath. A poignant start to the new year, because the Lord's perspective on everything is indeed my heart's desire. I've had great worship songs open for the last few days, but this has been going on for months and it really can pull from any odd memory, I guess, since I've had a couple of hip '60's tunes start my day as well. I'm dreading the thought of Rod Stewart waking me up with "If You Want My Body"... O.O  That's when I'll have to set G's new cd/mp3 alarm clock with Haydn or something more palatable. Yesterday was the Parachute Band, one of my favorites, and this AM a worship chorus that has already vaporized.

So in short, it's quieter upstairs than ever and all is generally well. I was pretty sure I wanted a less noisy mind; this apparently is my chance to find out. 

An Update: The good news is that my condition is temporary. (1 Cor 15:53)

     Here is an update for those who are wondering "What is wrong with Missy?" 

That's a good question, to which I only have a partial, unsatisfactory answer. But since a lot of time has passed since everyone, including me, thought I would be done being ill, I thought it time to post the information I have. Plus it may save me a few explanations.

     I contracted mono this summer. 10+ weeks ago to be exact. So did Kate, but she had the good sense to recover. I have not, at least have not yet, or not yet fully. As of last week, my virus levels were the same as they were 7 weeks ago. I have done some reading on a condition I do not intend to have called CEBV (Chronic Epstein Barr Virus) which parallels many of my symptoms. My intention is just that it's taking a lot longer to recover than I hoped. And the good news is that my condition is temporary. (1 Cor 15:53)

     The sweeping exhaustive fatigue was fairly short-lived. I had no lymph issues really, no sore throat, not much fever. I have instead dealt with a string of odd symptoms, usually one then the next, sometimes overlapping: temperature fluctuations, headache, lack of balance which comes and goes, motion sickness, tiredness, overall muscle weakness, and mental dullness. In short, I can't do much; a major life change.

     Doing now includes thinking.  Of what used to be "Me", it feels like there is only a percentage that remains. I am no longer creative, inspired, or capable. I can't multi-task or multi-stream. I don't have ideas or the strength to carry them out if I did. I have a kind of "cognitive impairment" instead, a term I much prefer over "brain damage". The good news is that my condition is temporary. (1 Cor 15:53)

     This is something that I want very much to be done with, and I have better days and worse days. The last particularly bad day (Tuesday) could be called 'good' in the sense that it helped me tremendously to understand exactly what is malfunctioning. It was my first homeschool co-op day after being down with the stomach flu on the first official day the week before. There was a lot of sensory stimuli and I could not manage it. In general, I can only do 1 or 2 things at a time. If my balance is off, which it was on Tuesday, that is 1. If someone breezes by and asks a question that adds listening, looking, thinking and trying to respond while ignoring everything else in the room (1+5=6) and I am now well past what I can manage effectively and that's when I start to cry. (I generally start to cry at about 4.5) It's weakness and just what happens. And it feels exceedingly pathetic. (And no, it's not mid-life female issues, we've tested for that too!) I cannot sort or prioritize or focus on the information that comes in and I become overwhelmed quickly. It's like a massive sensory flood and there's no one controlling the floodgates.

     I realized after Tuesday that I feel better at home where I don't think too much about my surroundings, it is relatively quiet and I can control my environment more. I had thought after a day or two where I stayed at home that I might be improving; really it's just a matter of controlling my surroundings therefore symptoms. Oddly, I can do a number of 'normal' things here at home, b/c they no longer require much thought. And related to blogging about this, thinking to typing is much easier than thinking to speaking much of the time. 

     My good friend has helped me this week remember about eating healthfully and taking supplements. This went by the wayside this summer and I am focusing right now on at least being as purposeful about what goes into my body as I used to be, maybe even more so.

     I am dealing with this emotionally foremost by knowing that God is good, that He does all things well, and that He is trustworthy. My life is in his hands. He demonstrated his love for me when He purchased me for himself at the utmost price; why He would want me at all is the only question. He says that His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in weakness. And His plans for me, even if I don't like them, are what is best, beginning, middle and end. I know these things to be true, which just leaves the matter of getting my emotions on board with what I know. I give myself a B-. I miss my former life and there is a pity party begging for my attendance around every corner, it seems. 

     The other approach I am currently taking is 'planning' on having this problem linger awhile, maybe until Spring, as though it were my idea all along. ;) The idea is to be ok with the idea. The good news is that my condition is temporary. (1 Cor 15:53) If Spring arrives w/o changes then we'll look forward from there. For weeks I took hold of each 'normal thing' and considered it a sign that I was getting better only to have it be followed by a string of what looked like getting worse. It created an emotional roller coaster that I have decided to get off of. It is easier this way and I promise that if I recover in the next near weeks I won't lay around waiting for Spring to celebrate and once again undertake the activities that are near and dear to my heart.

     So, I am trying to 'take life one day at a time', a trite and annoying little phrase that is a lot less trite right now. After Tuesday, I realize that keeping my world 'small' helps me function more normally and that it keeps me from feeling overwhelmed and discouraged. So, I will continue being not so active for now. I truly appreciate offers of help and am beginning to find ways to use them. If you meet me out and about and I become overwhelmed or reminded that it didn't use to be this way, I will cry. I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. Please let it go and don't let it stop us from connecting. And if it's a good day, maybe you'll hardly notice a difference. Most likely though, I will be moving a little slowly, that's the whole managing-the-sensory-input-while-staying-upright stuff. Since I can't manage too much sensory input, you may see me cover or close my eyes to think. Speaking requires a little more effort, especially if there is a lot going on around me. If I'm not extremely talkative that doesn't mean I don't want to see you or catch up or that something is "wrong". I miss my friends very much. Someone mentioned the other day that I was quiet--Enjoy that! Remember the good news is that my condition is temporary. (1 Cor 15:53)   :)

Peace and Weakness (What I did this summer: Nothing.)

If I was not too tired to do it, I might cry. I lost my entire summer to mono and there is no retrieving it. I realize August is not over yet, but there's only one week left and I am still very slow-moving. My body is weak and what is harder to accept is that my mind is weak as well. I cannot think as much or as deeply or as easily as prior to accommodating this virus. I am hopeful that my body is just too busy with it's ongoing counter-terrorism efforts to expend itself on thinking. While I had a brief and fleeting experience of mental 'normalcy' (yes I know, that statement almost needs its own disclaimer), I am very much looking forward to having my mental faculties restored entirely. (A note to my slightly-past-mid-life friends: no comments please about the futility of that hope in the long run: THANK YOU.)
On a positive note, in the last few days I have been able to articulate a thought or two and I feel some stirrings in the To Do List lobe also. (Yes, I have an entire lobe dedicated to this task; it's located in the region most people have their name recollection and directions reading abilities.) But even just putting together the above sentences and re-reading them has me a bit light-headed. The good news is I can do it at all--I think I really am getting better.
I have been to church only once in the last 7 weeks or so. Mostly I just feel that I cannot manage the stimulus overload it would generate. I have been over-sensitive to noise for weeks, have occasional loss of balance, and with headaches being an on-going issue, even thinking about a normal Sunday morning with my church family is a little painful.
Thankfully I have the Spirit to help and I am assured of a call to rest, be patient (easier since the brain is slow), and wait for my body to heal. I find it strangely easy to be at peace and calm in my spirit right now which is a good thing because I might otherwise be imagining all sorts of gloom and doom upon my pathetic self.
One final note: If you can help it, do not contract mono when you are in your mid 40's. If you are meant to have it at all, you are meant to have it in your teens when you can ignore the bulk of the symptoms and bounce back in short order.

Wesley hymn about the return of Christ

Here is a hymn that truly gives a biblical view of the timing of Christ's return -- after the tribulation, at the sixth seal of Revelation.

Lift Your Heads by Charles Wesley

Lift your heads, ye friends of Jesus,
Partners in His sufferings here;
Christ, to all believers precious,
Lord of lords, shall soon appear:
Mark the tokens of His heavenly kingdom near!

Close behind the tribulation
Of the last tremendous days,
See the flaming revelation,
See the universal blaze!
Earth and heaven melt before the Judge’s face!

Sun and moon are both confounded,
Darkened into endless night,
When, with angel hosts surrounded,
In His Father’s glory bright,
Christ the Savior shines, the everlasting Light.

See the stars from Heaven falling,
Hark on earth the doleful cry,
Men on rocks and mountains calling,
While the glorious Judge draws nigh,
“Hide us, hide us, rocks and mountains, from His eye!”

With what different exclamation
Shall the saints His banner see!
By the tokens of His passion,
By the marks received for me,
All discern Him, all with shouts cry out, “’Tis He!”

Lo! ’tis He! Our hearts’ Desire,
Come for His espoused below,
Come to join us to His choir,
Come to make our joys overflow,
Palms of victory, crowns of glory to bestow.

Yes, the prize shall now be given,
We His open face shall see;
Love, the earnest of our heaven,
Love, our full reward shall be;
Love shall crown us kings through all eternity!

You can hear a midi of the tune here: http://nethymnal.org/htm/l/i/lifthead.htm

On Romans 12 and Cows

Romans 12:1-8

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.
For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.
For just as we have many members in one body and all the members do not have the same function, so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, each of us is to exercise them accordingly: if prophecy, according to the proportion of his faith; if service, in his serving; or he who teaches, in his teaching; or he who exhorts, in his exhortation; he who gives, with liberality; he who leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness.
(emphasis mine)
There is little in scripture that gives me more encouragement about my role in the Body of Christ (aka the church) than these verses. We are each created by God with our specific strengths and weaknesses for One purpose--to glorify God! (Yes, in our weaknesses, too.)
We are ONE body, with MANY parts, for One purpose--to glorify God!
We walk different paths in different ways for One purpose--to glorify God!
We are gifted and called for One purpose--to glorify God!
So there is no need to want to be anything other than who we are, because we are not mistakes--we are for a purpose!
We are full of purpose--purposeful! And it is acceptable to God! Shouldn't it be acceptable to us?
Now it goes without saying, that we should be reaching for the goal of being more like Jesus, but as we do, can we not content ourselves to be Who We Are for His sake?
Can we agree with His Word, and work at renewing our minds, or will we buy the lie that we aren't spiritual, pretty, thin, smart, talented, called, healthy, gifted, special, disciplined, normal, rich, strong, savvy, you-name-it, ENOUGH to glorify Him?

Had He wanted, could He not have made us those things? Has it not pleased Him to make us as He did? While I look at you and wish I had the X you enjoy and you look at me and covet the Y that I have, doesn't God see us both as He made us to be and desire that we should trust Him?
We should be overwhelmed with thanksgiving for His careful plans for us. We should be in awe of the love and sacrifice with which we were saved.
"Oh, but if I could just have some....of....the....grass....over....there!"
We are not cows. That greener grass is called DISCONTENT--discontentment with God's plan for us, the very people He purchased with His blood. We are a purchased and redeemed people, and yet like the Israelites in the desert, we're grumbling! I am anyway, and I'm guessing I'm not the only one.
So, I repent. I will choose, instead, to be THANKFUL!
I will be thankful that I am who I am and I will be thankful for my family and I will be thankful for my life and I will be thankful for my home. I will be thankful to be 43, out of shape (although round is a shape!), middle-lower-class, over-busy, exceedingly imperfect, and frequently just plain weird.
But I will not be discontent.
I choose, this day, to NOT BE A COW.

An Uncertain Future & Fruit With A Purpose

My friend Diana posted the devotional below last week and I thought it was very appropriate for the season of the year (harvest) and this season in my life. (The season where I, to be honest, am very tempted to worry about things I can do little about, so instead should be focusing on using what I have to serve God.)

To my surprise, I am rather worried about current and impending events and asking myself questions I don't always have the answer to, like: What does the future hold? Frankly, it is not looking good. Most everything I see and hear gives me no cause to feel confident or secure; and: How will we get through these increasingly difficult times? That one I do have an answer for...

It's simple really--either with faith, or without it. God will provide for us according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:19). That is true. How do I know? Because He has promised it in His Word (and I have seen Him do it over and over again). BUT He will not necessarily provide in the ways I expect or think that I want Him to. Instead, He will provide in His perfectly-planned, loving, and sovereign way--a way that meets my real, not necessarily my perceived, needs.

We can trust that He will work all things together for good to us who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Rom. 8:28) But that purpose is primarily a spiritual one, with eternal ramifications, and we may or may not recognize the 'good' He is working out when we are in the middle of the trial. In truth, if we have Christ, we already have all that really matters, and there is nothing else that we actually need although our perception may be otherwise. (Ooh, I tremble when I say stuff like that, because it means the test will inevitably follow, and it won't be fun.)

So the only question that really remains is: Will I trust Him, be happy in my circumstances, and offer all that He gives me (whether ease or hardship) back to Him, with thanksgiving, as my spiritual service of worship? OK, that's really about 4 questions, but you know what I mean... I hope the answer is 'Yes.' That is my plan and what I'm aiming for. In the process (read: successes AND failures), He will develop more fruit (Christlikeness) in me, and use it in the world to His praise and glory.

mjv

Sep. 10, 2008 - The purpose of fruit. . .

Some neighborhood children, who had previously requested and received permission, were gleefully picking rosy red apples off our apple tree today. We have plenty to go around, so it was merely an interesting experience to watch them, seeing how carefully they looked for the best apples. The purpose? Eating! Right then. Warm from the tree. Perfect food for a gorgeous autumn day.

As I pondered this little vista, I suddenly thought about the purpose of fruit.

Do you suppose that an apple tree bears fruit just so we can gaze at the perfectly red orbs and say, "Wow, what gorgeous fruit!"?

Or, does an apple tree find its highest purpose in producing fruit which can be picked and eaten?

Jesus cursed the fig tree that wasn't bearing fruit. . . Which gives us insight into its purpose.

I know, I know. This is SO simple. Ridiculously simple. The fruit is there, hanging on the tree, so we can pick and eat it.

Right.

Now, think about the fruit of the Spirit. He grows these increasingly mature and ripe fruits in us of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Are they there so that others can stand from afar and admire how wonderful we look?

Or are they there so that others -- including our children and spouses -- can pick and eat them as they have need?

So, for instance, when my son is being a growly bear, would there be gentleness and patience available in me for him -- to the point where it was tangible and satisfying to him?

If my daughter was pushing all of my buttons, would there be a large enough portion of self-control that she could really taste its reality?

If my life's circumstances are debilitating and hard, is there enough of the Spirit's joy in me that the rest of the family (myself included) can be encouraged and refreshed to continue to trust God's plan for our lives?

It's just a thought.

And it coincides with what Jesus said in John 15:

"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me."

Blessings,

Diana

Humility without humiliation--is it possible?

I don't want to be proud--God is opposed to the proud. I want to be humble, like Jesus, so I have often prayed:

"Oh God, help me to be humble........but please don't humiliate me."

Fortunately for me, that prayer isn't quite as preposterous as it sounds, unlike the one that I've often been tempted to pray but haven't bothered with: "Oh God, help me to lose 50 lbs, but please make it effortless..." While the first prayer actually has scriptural precedent; unfortunately for me, my own sinfulness renders it almost as unlikely to be achieved as the second one.

I desire humility enough to put out great effort to work with Him towards that goal. And my perspective and prayer is in good company. In Psalm 25:1-5 David said virtually the same thing:
To You, O LORD, I lift up my soul. O my God, in You I trust,
Do not let me be ashamed; Do not let my enemies exult over me.
Indeed, none of those who wait for You will be ashamed;
Those who deal treacherously without cause will be ashamed.
Make me know Your ways, O LORD; Teach me Your paths.
Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation;
For You I wait all the day.

And, as a follower of Jesus, it's part of what I am commanded to do.
1Peter 3:8-9 To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.

So I try. And I grow. And I do better. And I start feeling pretty good about my humility, and then on occasion--wham! Humiliation. Apparently I've still got plenty to learn. However, because I really do want it, I am willing to submit to the pain of the process. (Oh yeah, and I deserved it, too.) I confess, I repent, I make amends and I start again.

Being humble is a good thing--definitely worth the effort. And even if I wasn't sure about that, I would certainly be sure that it is better to become well-acquainted with humility than for God to give me a hard and fast introduction. I've seen it in person--most of us have at some time. Luke 4:11 " For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled..."
For the arrogant child of God it often involves public knowledge, broken lives, collateral damage, grief and humiliation. It's just plain scary; but severe correction is evidence of sonship and it's better than death.
Hebrews 12:9-11 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

The School of Humility sometimes leaves me wondering if I've been disciplined or if this is just another lesson. Either way, I know in Whom I have trusted and He is worthy of my trust. He will teach me in ways I cannot teach myself and correct me when I err. But to those who exalt themselves, puff up and look down, believe their own press and reject correction He makes a horrible promise.
Isaiah 2:12 For the LORD of hosts will have a day of reckoning against everyone who is proud and lofty and against everyone who is lifted up, that he may be abased.
That isn't something I want to be a part of--I'll take my lumps now, thank you.

The Lord is my Master. He gets to decide the path I take in life and my job is to obey and to learn to do it--whatever it is--with humility. Jesus himself is my example.
Philippians 2:8 Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

I want to be like Jesus. I want to walk in ways that honor Him. So if, while on this path, humiliation is the tool God chooses to help make me like His Son, then I will try for His sake to recall that Jesus went there first and I am just a Follower.