An Update: The good news is that my condition is temporary. (1 Cor 15:53)

     Here is an update for those who are wondering "What is wrong with Missy?" 

That's a good question, to which I only have a partial, unsatisfactory answer. But since a lot of time has passed since everyone, including me, thought I would be done being ill, I thought it time to post the information I have. Plus it may save me a few explanations.

     I contracted mono this summer. 10+ weeks ago to be exact. So did Kate, but she had the good sense to recover. I have not, at least have not yet, or not yet fully. As of last week, my virus levels were the same as they were 7 weeks ago. I have done some reading on a condition I do not intend to have called CEBV (Chronic Epstein Barr Virus) which parallels many of my symptoms. My intention is just that it's taking a lot longer to recover than I hoped. And the good news is that my condition is temporary. (1 Cor 15:53)

     The sweeping exhaustive fatigue was fairly short-lived. I had no lymph issues really, no sore throat, not much fever. I have instead dealt with a string of odd symptoms, usually one then the next, sometimes overlapping: temperature fluctuations, headache, lack of balance which comes and goes, motion sickness, tiredness, overall muscle weakness, and mental dullness. In short, I can't do much; a major life change.

     Doing now includes thinking.  Of what used to be "Me", it feels like there is only a percentage that remains. I am no longer creative, inspired, or capable. I can't multi-task or multi-stream. I don't have ideas or the strength to carry them out if I did. I have a kind of "cognitive impairment" instead, a term I much prefer over "brain damage". The good news is that my condition is temporary. (1 Cor 15:53)

     This is something that I want very much to be done with, and I have better days and worse days. The last particularly bad day (Tuesday) could be called 'good' in the sense that it helped me tremendously to understand exactly what is malfunctioning. It was my first homeschool co-op day after being down with the stomach flu on the first official day the week before. There was a lot of sensory stimuli and I could not manage it. In general, I can only do 1 or 2 things at a time. If my balance is off, which it was on Tuesday, that is 1. If someone breezes by and asks a question that adds listening, looking, thinking and trying to respond while ignoring everything else in the room (1+5=6) and I am now well past what I can manage effectively and that's when I start to cry. (I generally start to cry at about 4.5) It's weakness and just what happens. And it feels exceedingly pathetic. (And no, it's not mid-life female issues, we've tested for that too!) I cannot sort or prioritize or focus on the information that comes in and I become overwhelmed quickly. It's like a massive sensory flood and there's no one controlling the floodgates.

     I realized after Tuesday that I feel better at home where I don't think too much about my surroundings, it is relatively quiet and I can control my environment more. I had thought after a day or two where I stayed at home that I might be improving; really it's just a matter of controlling my surroundings therefore symptoms. Oddly, I can do a number of 'normal' things here at home, b/c they no longer require much thought. And related to blogging about this, thinking to typing is much easier than thinking to speaking much of the time. 

     My good friend has helped me this week remember about eating healthfully and taking supplements. This went by the wayside this summer and I am focusing right now on at least being as purposeful about what goes into my body as I used to be, maybe even more so.

     I am dealing with this emotionally foremost by knowing that God is good, that He does all things well, and that He is trustworthy. My life is in his hands. He demonstrated his love for me when He purchased me for himself at the utmost price; why He would want me at all is the only question. He says that His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in weakness. And His plans for me, even if I don't like them, are what is best, beginning, middle and end. I know these things to be true, which just leaves the matter of getting my emotions on board with what I know. I give myself a B-. I miss my former life and there is a pity party begging for my attendance around every corner, it seems. 

     The other approach I am currently taking is 'planning' on having this problem linger awhile, maybe until Spring, as though it were my idea all along. ;) The idea is to be ok with the idea. The good news is that my condition is temporary. (1 Cor 15:53) If Spring arrives w/o changes then we'll look forward from there. For weeks I took hold of each 'normal thing' and considered it a sign that I was getting better only to have it be followed by a string of what looked like getting worse. It created an emotional roller coaster that I have decided to get off of. It is easier this way and I promise that if I recover in the next near weeks I won't lay around waiting for Spring to celebrate and once again undertake the activities that are near and dear to my heart.

     So, I am trying to 'take life one day at a time', a trite and annoying little phrase that is a lot less trite right now. After Tuesday, I realize that keeping my world 'small' helps me function more normally and that it keeps me from feeling overwhelmed and discouraged. So, I will continue being not so active for now. I truly appreciate offers of help and am beginning to find ways to use them. If you meet me out and about and I become overwhelmed or reminded that it didn't use to be this way, I will cry. I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. Please let it go and don't let it stop us from connecting. And if it's a good day, maybe you'll hardly notice a difference. Most likely though, I will be moving a little slowly, that's the whole managing-the-sensory-input-while-staying-upright stuff. Since I can't manage too much sensory input, you may see me cover or close my eyes to think. Speaking requires a little more effort, especially if there is a lot going on around me. If I'm not extremely talkative that doesn't mean I don't want to see you or catch up or that something is "wrong". I miss my friends very much. Someone mentioned the other day that I was quiet--Enjoy that! Remember the good news is that my condition is temporary. (1 Cor 15:53)   :)

Peace and Weakness (What I did this summer: Nothing.)

If I was not too tired to do it, I might cry. I lost my entire summer to mono and there is no retrieving it. I realize August is not over yet, but there's only one week left and I am still very slow-moving. My body is weak and what is harder to accept is that my mind is weak as well. I cannot think as much or as deeply or as easily as prior to accommodating this virus. I am hopeful that my body is just too busy with it's ongoing counter-terrorism efforts to expend itself on thinking. While I had a brief and fleeting experience of mental 'normalcy' (yes I know, that statement almost needs its own disclaimer), I am very much looking forward to having my mental faculties restored entirely. (A note to my slightly-past-mid-life friends: no comments please about the futility of that hope in the long run: THANK YOU.)
On a positive note, in the last few days I have been able to articulate a thought or two and I feel some stirrings in the To Do List lobe also. (Yes, I have an entire lobe dedicated to this task; it's located in the region most people have their name recollection and directions reading abilities.) But even just putting together the above sentences and re-reading them has me a bit light-headed. The good news is I can do it at all--I think I really am getting better.
I have been to church only once in the last 7 weeks or so. Mostly I just feel that I cannot manage the stimulus overload it would generate. I have been over-sensitive to noise for weeks, have occasional loss of balance, and with headaches being an on-going issue, even thinking about a normal Sunday morning with my church family is a little painful.
Thankfully I have the Spirit to help and I am assured of a call to rest, be patient (easier since the brain is slow), and wait for my body to heal. I find it strangely easy to be at peace and calm in my spirit right now which is a good thing because I might otherwise be imagining all sorts of gloom and doom upon my pathetic self.
One final note: If you can help it, do not contract mono when you are in your mid 40's. If you are meant to have it at all, you are meant to have it in your teens when you can ignore the bulk of the symptoms and bounce back in short order.